Approach Anxiety


Approach anxiety is an emotional frame characterized by an inability to approach targets.

Methods to Overcome Approach Anxiety1

  1. Get a Moleskine Notebook What? Seriously, the first thing I did was buy one, and along with writing down material, I made two pages divided with each month as each row and these columns: Opened, Numbered, Kissed, Make Out, Lay. Important: Do not count each number you get, or kiss, or lay, etc. Count the number you attempt whether successful or not. Focus on that which you control (attempt), not that you don't (result). Now, vow to yourself to start with openings and increase those numbers each month. Approach Anxiety? My first month I went out constantly and despite every effort at approaching dozens of times, I managed to approach a total 2 girls; and I was shaking and sweating. But, that was better than the 0 the month before starting. And the next month I increased it a bit more, and a bit more, and started attempting to get numbers, then makeouts, etc. Within a few months I had my first makeout in years. Now I open 50 sets on a slower month. This fucking works!
  2. No Excuses. It seems many of you thought that my post on no excuses was some rah-rah motivational stuff. No. I really meant say you're going to do something and then keep repeating 'No Excuses' without going home until you fucking do it. I set myself a goal to open 1 girl a day for 30 days, and plenty of times I was ready to go home at 10pm at night after a long day on Reddit when I'd remember my commitment and go "Fuck it, it's late, I'm tired, I'm going home." But then I'd remember my new motto "No Excuses" and and internally war would begin, with me silently repeating "No Excuses" to every reason I could come up with not to go, culminating in me driving to the store and opening. This works! It is an excellent motto to live life by.
  3. Post Field Reports. Find a local Lair preferably, or use Seddit, but post a field report on each interaction; this will document your success, give you a chance to brag, hold you accountable, and develop friendships and wingmen.
  4. Start Small and make incremental progress. Don't get discouraged by guys posting "Last night I opened for the first time ever and got a threesome!" These guys are liars, and their experience is not relevant to yours. Your "threesome" is saying 'Hi' to five girls at the mall - celebrate like you just laid two super-models!
  5. Develop a warm-up ritual. Don't ever open if you are in a bad mood. Get yourself in a good mood before going out ('in state') and while driving. I pump myself up with rocking music, self-talk cards I read aloud, recalling successful interactions with friends, etc. I always talk to at least 5 people or groups of people before even starting my opens. I go around complimenting people and giving high fives…it gets me in such a good mood I just have to approach that cute girl. (Most of this I learned from my pickup coach).
  6. Stop reading fucking pick-up material. Seriously, limit yourself to a half hour a day or less on the internet. You need to find something you're passionate about and do that. That should be #1 in your life, not pick-up, if pickup is #1 bad things happen, very bad things (just read The Game) and you won't be nearly as successful at picking up because you are boring and desperate. Your time on the internet should be limited to posting field reports and getting comments. For pick-up advice read a fucking book! Seriously, because a book doesn't continue in an endless warren of links. Here's a good list. Also read the classic How to pick up girls which will help you understand that women want to be approached! I know, right? Don't laugh, this single book was enough to get me approaching women when I was in a rough spot.
  7. Reward Yourself. This was really important for me, and will also solve a host of inner game problems around worthiness and self-confidence. Set a small goal, and set a small reward you can afford. For example, commit to opening 1 girl today, and when you do (no excuses!) get yourself a chocolate bar. Bigger rewards for bigger goals, and it helps if you write them down. You do deserve these rewards!
  8. Get some Wingmen. Look for a local lair, or start your own on - You will progress immensely when you find guys better than yourself.
  9. Consider some coaching. Similar to a wingman, but more focused on pushing you out of your comfort zones. I would avoid the weekend bootcamps (unless you're loaded) and try to find a successful coach who has a longer term program. If you're in Seattle look up Andy Anderson.
  10. Improve your inner game, 'cause it's fucked up. You're not approaching because you're shy, inexperienced, and your inner game is fucking you over from having the life you deserve. Go and get The Self Talk Solution and read it. Then do what it says. I have a morning ritual which is radically changing my inner self and outer actions daily and it's awesome.
  11. Worship the 3 second rule. Most of what fucked me over was seeing a girl and then agonizing for what felt like hours over whether I should approach her or not. It was horrific, I would wander around the store for 20 minutes beating myself up to go over and talk to her. Do not do this to yourself, if you don't open her within 3 seconds let it go, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll also develop a useful habit and realize that the opportunity is very short so jump on it.
  12. Touch Everyone you meet. This works! Read here. Okay, that's 12. Most of these tie together in ways. Do these exercises and you will be approaching women. What are you still doing on the internet???? Print this list out and start doing one thing on it a day. Then post your comments here, and better yet your field reports! Hope this helps, and if you're anywhere near Tacoma give me a shout!